Thursday, June 30, 2011

Quest For Flat Chicks

We headed out on the motorbikes towards Arizona around 6pm.  WillyD took the lead and I and V.D. were next, followed by B.B. and Carol in the chase vehicle.  I was really hoping to find myself a flat chick someplace along the way.

V.D thought there might be a nice flat chick in this vending machine.  Snow white and a few hot chicks were there, along with some slutty tatoo gals, but Flat Wooley has never paid for a girl, and never will, so I told WillyD and V.D. to take the quarters and shove them up their asses.

Here I am hanging out with my two new road compadres.  We had burnt almost 200 miles of asphalt at this point.  The weather wasn't bad at all.  I was trying to sit my ass down, but for some reason these two dirt heads made me stand the whole time.

Here I am, out in the middle of nowhere on the Blue Star highway in CA.  I guess the Mojave Desert isn't nowhere, but it sure in the hell felt like it.  I realized that I don't take to well to taking pictures at night where the flash is required.  You need to tilt my ass to get a good one...just a tip.

No friggin' respect!  We decided to sleep for a few hours at a rest stop in the Mojave Desert and I had to take a piss real fierce like.  I was just standing there getting my relief on when I hear the camera snap.  Those idiots have no respect for a man during his "private time".  I think they were jealous that I don't need to hold my johnson while dousing out the urinal infernos.  They don't call me flat wooley for nuthin'.  No Bluetooth but I'm still hands free.

Peer pressure?  You have no idea.  The boys took advantage of my physical condition and told me that if I wanted to hang with this posse that I was gonna' have to do my part.  Those bastards made me climb into this damned machine to gank candy...right in front of a C.H.P. sub-station.  What the hell!

After I was done snaggin' snacks...I decided to scout around.  I found this huge cockroach while I was out.  I was going to see if the guys would let me keep it as a pet, but before I could open my mouth, WillyD had stomped on it.  WTF?!? Dude, that thing just taught me the meaning of life in five!

B.B. found me a decent flat chick...she didn't say much, but something about her felt very familiar...maybe it was the way she held her arms out like I do.  It was going all good, right up until the point where I asked her why she only had one leg.  She told me she had no legs and that was the end of that.

The rest of the posse crashed out but I stood watch...literally.  I swiped B.B.'s camera and snapped this pict as the sun started to rise in the desert.  It was glorious.  I'm out on the open road, with some decent folks, riding motorbikes and soaking in a good desert sunrise.  This is just tits.

I was getting antsy and wanted to hit the road again around 5am.  I tried to wake up V.D., but he said he was gonna' light me on fire if I bothered him one more time...then WillyD mumbled something about duct taping me to his front tire if I didn't shut the hell up.  These dudes have no idea of what I'm capable of....never underestimate the power of flat wooley...nope.

Well, I didn't shut up so V.D. made me ride a stint in his saddle bag.  This really chapped my hide.  Screw that!  I got so pissed off that I reached up and twisted one of his saddlebag pins out just to get revenge.  I figured that they would never make me ride in that god forsaken hard bag ever again if I annoyed them enough, however, in hind sight, it might have not been such a great idea.   

The bag cut loose doing 90 on I-40 and I almost ate it.  The only thing that kept me from getting dumped on the hot asphalt was the rear pin.  It was the only thing holding the bag on the bike...whew...that was too close.  I really don't feel like getting any flatter than I already am...oh hell no.

Well, we made it to Arizona.  AZHD met us along the way.  He is a really put together dude.  He said I could crash at his pad, and  he even found me a bike to ride around while I was out there.  He also said he wanted to introduce me to some of his drinking buddies.

We downed a few.  Here are my new drinking buddies.  Wino-Dillo and....damn....I forgot the other guys name.  Ok, honestly, I dug Wino-Dillo, but the dude on my right side in this picture just creeped me out.  All he did was sit there and stare at me......with that stupid ass look on his face.  I'd ask him a question and get nothin' back...just "the stare".  (Something is really wrong with that dude...I don't think I saw him blink once while I was there.) luck with the flat chicks up to this point.  I'll post some AZ pictures here.  Hey, check this out.  Guess who got to be the flat witness for Flat AZHD and Flat Harley-Nana during their awesome union?  Next I'll update you on the wedding was a good time.  I even got to see V.D. and WillyD sporting Hawaiian shirts.  Never thought I would see that day.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Arizona Road Trip - Gettin' Ready

Well...I made it out to Arizona and back. It was a long and strange trip.  Over the next few days I'm gonna' tell you my story...mostly in pictures.

Let me get started here.  As you all pretty much know, I started this leg of my U.S. Tour from the Central Coast of California.  The first thing I needed to do was to hook up with a new bike.  Well, the Wrench Wench had one and said I could use it on the trip....but it was gonna' cost me big time.

The Wrench Wench was flaunting her bike right in front of me....what's a poor boy to do.  I did the only thing a guy could do in my position...being flat and all.  I needed to utilize my other assets.

As you can see...I managed to sweet talk her into letting me use her motorbike.  The only way I could get her off, was to make her fall off....which I did without too much effort...then she wanted to marry me....that was the end of that lickity split.

V.D. and I worked on my blog for awhile...V.D. shoved my ass outta' the way because he said I couldn't type worth a shit.  Geez...WTF, it's not like I can span my flat ass fingers across the damned keyboard dude...and walking from one end of the keyboard to the other is exhausting.
I enjoyed a cup o' joe while he was doing his thing. I was going to soak in the java hot tub style, but V.D. said it might stain my clothes...what a buzz killer.  I'm gonna' slap the crap outta' this dude if he doesn't start showing me some respect!

WillyD needed my help to rig his bike in the bed of his truck.  He said he didn't plan on using it, but one never knows.  He had a sweet set up I have to admit.  The damned bike barely fit with inches to spare.  WillyD is the king of functional kluge.

Here is V.D. and I getting ready to hit the road.  (Damn...this dude needs to take a shower.  I've sniffed hogs that were less offensive.)  I'm ready to hit the asphalt no doubt.  Can't wait to get on the road again.

Well....that was the start.  Wrench Wench and I really didn't hit it off so well.  I mean she was cool and all but a little too filled out for a dude like me.  V.D. and WillyD, figured they could find me some flat chicks on the road.  And so the "Quest For Flat Chicks" began....I'll update you on the next post.  Flat Wooley out!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I'm On The West Coast!

Whew!   I finally made it to sunny California!  I'm bushed! would be too if you had to go through what I had to go through to get here.  (Damned x-ray machines are shrink'in my goods man!)

V.D., B.B, WillyD were all there to meet me.  I feel a rock star...well, maybe because I am, but I don't like to brag.

Right after I arrived, BobSkoot showed up all the way from Vancouver, Canada!  He's a good dude.  His wife, Mrs. Skoot couldn't keep her hands off me...can you blame her?

Well, I'm gonna crash for a bit and hang out at the coffee shop for a day...then I'm heading out on a road trip to AZ with the posse.  I'm stoked man!  I think I'm hooking up with MQ01, Caveman, Boston, Arizona Harley Dude, Harley Nana...hell, who knows who else I'm gonna' meet out there!  Hope these folks can find me a damned bike to ride around on....I miss LadyR already...just sayin'.  She really showed me a good time and true southern hospitality...besides...these people are kinda f'ed up from what I can tell...they are trying to hook me up with this chick who goes by the Wrench Wench.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


Well... what a week I've had. Sorry I haven't been back sooner than this, but Lady R has been keeping us all pretty busy around here. I've been helping out as much as I can, and believe me, she don't mind asking! That's okay though, I've enjoyed my stay and I've got plenty of cool memories to take with me. I'm just about to leave Alabama and head for California, but I thought I'd post a few pics and tell you about my vacation so far.

While Lady R was at work during the day, I took advantage of my free time and rode around the grounds a little bit. For a fella my size, I found plenty to keep me entertained and it felt like I was exploring in "the Land of the Lost".

One day, I decided to get my cowboy on and tried to rodeo my way around the yard on this giant ant. They sure are moody critters, but once you get 'em going, they were a lot of fun. He was tame enough to crawl me over to the sun porch where there was a big balloon... just hanging there... waiting for someone like me.

So of course I jumped on for a quick little flight around the grounds. Up... up and away!

On Sunday, Lady R and I had a chance to get out and air out our motors. We hated leaving Harley at home, but what can we say... the day was calling us!

Knowing I liked to sing and play the guitar, she thought I would like to see the famous memorial dedicated to country music legend, Hank Williams, who got his start years ago, right here in Montgomery, Alabama.
I know I'm hard to see, but that's me... down by the base.

The sound of Hank's crooning voice, singing about cheatin' hearts and old love sick Indians played around in my head while I took it all in. I especially liked this guitar of roses. Very cool.

Things were going swell, and I was having big time fun hanging around Lady R's place 'til this giant pussy came around and just about scarred the crap right out of my flat self!

She kept looking at me and licking her chops, not to mention the nasty tuna breath she was puffing out all over me. Yikes... I thought I was a goner for sure!

I played possum hoping she would leave me alone, but... I think she liked me.

I laid very still for an what seemed like an eternity... finally some crazy squirrel jumped down from a tree, and that pussy was gone in a flash! Shew! That was really close! It would be a sad tale indeed... to be eaten by a giant pussy!

I had a real nice time during my stay, but it's time for me to move on. I've taken up too much time here already and I have many places to go. I'm headed out to California now to see Viking Dave and his pal Willy D, otherwise known as Dr. Wrench. Speaking of wrenches...

Lady R felt compelled to warn me about meeting some biker chick, called the Wrench Wench while I'm there. Seems this crazy gal used to be a Barbie, but now she just hangs out in the garage at Willy D's place and watches the guys work while she smokes cigarettes and thinks about her next tattoo. Sounds kinda interesting if you ask me! I'm a right friendly guy, so I guess I'll just have to go and meet this crazy chick for myself.

Signing off from the capitol of Alabama...
I'm Travlin' Flat

Monday, June 6, 2011


Lady R needed to take her mama home, so as the gentleman I always try to be, I agreed to escort the ladies up to Tennessee to meet Lady R's brother where he would take her the rest of the way home to Iowa.

It was a beautiful day Saturday, and even though we were having to cage it, we saw a lot of other lucky fuckers riding on their machines, taking in the great (although very hot!) weather. On our way up, we stopped at the Tennessee Welcome Center so Lady R could take a pic of me and the Blue Star Memorial Highway sign since I'm trying to keep track of all the places I'm traveling to.

We got to Clarksville, TN pretty early in the afternoon and Lady R's brother was already there. Things got better in a hurry cause... little did I know, he was bringing a Hooter Girl with him!

It was all I could do to contain my excitement when this pretty young thing agreed to carry me around with her for the rest of the day! She told Lady R she thought I was cute, so I thought to myself... this boring ass road trip just got better! (She must'a had something for DOB's!)

There I was, just hanging around, nestled nicely in some big hooters, when I noticed a dangerous leopard about to swallow one of them purty things up, so I jumped in to save her from harm!

Uhhh... it really wasn't a dangerous leopard after all, but one of Victoria's life like renditions. None the less, she was so impressed with my valor that uh... well...

I'm not one to kiss and tell... I'm just a real lucky fella! That's all I've got to say about that!

Thank goodness Lady R's brother has a real nice sense of humor and thought it was funny as hell that his girlfriend was having fun with a flat little dude like me. (Didn't I tell ya'll these folks was twisted?)

On our way back to Alabama, Lady R was gracious enough to stop and let me get my obligatory picture of me at the Alabama state line...
... and the Alabama Welcome Center. We're real close to the Huntsville Space Center... I wonder if they're missing anything?
Well... gotta go now. Check in later, I hope to go ridin' soon!!

Travlin' Flat

Friday, June 3, 2011


Hey everybody! I'm so glad I came to Alabama for my first stop. Lady R really hooked me up! She made sure I had a sweet ride to use while I was hanging out with her and Harley. A two tone maroon and bone Heritage Softail.

I'm having a really swell time, but the problem here is... it's so fucking hot! The temps reached 100 degrees today. I almost melted! Thank goodness she has a pool to cool off in.

I even had my own personal Flamingo. We'll probably go chunky dunkin' later... after dark. Gotta watch out for sunburn, ya know.

Well, I better sign off for now. We got a big day tomorrow. I hear I get to ride along on a mother/daughter road trip to Tennessee where we'll do the "mom pass off" with her brother so mom can get back home to Iowa. She's been a real big help to Lady R after Harley's accident, but it's time for her to depart. Besides... it's been a real spectacle watching Lady R having to fight off her momma when it comes to Harley's sponge baths. Twisted bunch... but right nice.

Catch up with ya later.

Travlin' Flat

Thursday, June 2, 2011


Hey, everybody! I just wanted to let you all know, that I've arrived safely at Lady Ridesalot's place in her sweet home of Alabama! I was pretty tired and hot after spending a few days stuffed in a bag full of mail, so she didn't waste any time taking pictures of me, but took me right in and gave me a well deserved cold one. Ahhhhh... Now that's southern hospitality!

Stay tuned folks, I think I'm gonna like this place.

Thank God I'm a travelin' man,
Flat Wooley

P.S.... she has a pool!

WHat's Flat Wooley Done With My J&P Cycles Gift Card 

Seems like Ole Flat Wooley got his picture taken with My J&P Cycles gift card, and he's hidden it from me.
                          Flat Wooley taunting me with this picture left behind.
                     I wonder if he took it on his trip. Could it be in his vest pockets?
I know he's over visiting Glider Rider at her blog  , and she's giving away one of these gift cards in a contest. Flat is such a prankster that I hope it doesn't take that one too.
I'll keep looking for my card as Flat Wooley travels around the country this summer.

(Flat Wooley ain't affiliated with J&P Cycles, he just likes their stuff)