Flat Wooley Travels

Where's Flat!

2012-01-03T21:31:00.000-08:00

Is the dude hibernating?

travelin man

2011-09-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

i hated having to leave bob and this crazy thing city peeps around here call a daily commute, but, had to do it. ive got a few pics to throw up, where we've been, what we've been doing, but time is moving faster than can be controlled. so, while ms m is dealing with the best of the worst of her fiscal year end processing and inventory at work, i knew it was time to be on my way.

here's the last pocket ride with ms m for now.

rolling on to the next destination, and im digging the journey!

Lets Roll

2011-09-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

As terrorism unfolded in a series of attacks on September 11, 2001, the lives of many would never again be the same. To quote Boston air traffic control to NORAD; “This is Real World, not an exercise".

Understand and appreciate that we all share the wind. Be thankful, grateful, for each and every new day that we share here in this place. It’s because of real hero’s that we are still here.

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other”. ~Mother Teresa

Join us. Share the wind with Bob, Ms M and Flat on this very tragic anniversary while we ride. Share a moment or day of silence.

We shall never forget.

ms m, all work and no play, this place sucks

2011-08-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

geez, ms m, only one day off a week? and she says sundays are for me. i think she's nuts. and she's really making me work...pfffttt! (or maybe its her hell-raising sidekick cinco's doin'). so check this out... they made me go to dmv!

then i had to pick up her car from the shop. something about a dribbly rear end, dead o2 sensors & leaky brakes. hey did you know she rides just about every day? so i had her car, and i can say, this bay area traffic sucks!

then we went to this restaurant she hung out at as a kid "Dicks". (click here) something about a video?...and some talk about dedicating it to those who went to sturgis this yr?!?... im starting to think everything she says has dual meanings? ;)

then her designated driver and i had to sit by and watch while she and her girl friends got obnoxious at a SF wine bar. they passed me around and around and forgot to take pictures, damn drunk chicks! they even got the band pissed at them and went wedding crashing next door, LOL!

but hey when she's got chicks like this around, i really cant complain...

then she sent me to a leather class, again more work but at least i got to shop for cool stuff. so i brought her home a wall to wall rabbit rug and house size torino leather. aren't they huge?! i wanna see what she does with them.

and she made me cook another vegan dinner. it was good, what can i say...im an excellent cook! and she's looking/feeling great! but i think this chick needs some meat in the house :) ummm im getting hungry, hey

where's maclaylay?

ms m, listen we gotta talk. it sure is comfy here, i love ya and all, but im tired of this all work and no play shit. im thinkin i need to find peeps that dont work so much. call me when its drag night or bodie, til then i think i gotta roll.

ms m's place, wtf!

2011-08-01T21:11:00.000-07:00

knock knock, ms m? ive arrived :D

holy shit! dude! is this how you greet people?

dont tell ms m, i don't wanna give her ideas, but im thinking shes making me earn my keep. what is this calif cuisine shit?

pffftt, she even made me work. she keeps saying gas aint cheap.

and now look, maclaylay is wanting to go for a spin! all these biker chicks are starting to wear off on her...

oh shit, its that cinco dude again! damn what kind of crazy place is this?!?...

Flat and Wooley Free Once Again... Rolling Out Tomorrow!

2011-07-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

LayLay is at the door to greet us. I didn’t know how to react when she greeted MonRoad with open arms, after all, two dolls in the same house! Inside drinks were waiting. She even made an extra one for MonRoad. Before I knew it, LayLay was all over MonRoad about where she got her beautiful plastic lip smile. Too much TV I think. I felt like I was being left out flat! KT just stood there and said surprisingly, “this wasn’t suppose to turn out this way….”

KT and I made an exit and with our drinks, went out to wipe down the bikes.

In just a few short minutes Bouncer Duck came in to get us, quaking there’s a “mutha flater cat fight”. I took my stiff legs and ran out and there they were all over each other. All I could think of is, “They are fighting over me…OVER ME--YES!!“ I felt like a proud Flat all of a sudden. Never had two dolls fight over me.

I tried to help stop it, but...

I got wiped out by the paper hula skirt...

KT went over to break it up. She’s known MonRoad for a couple of years now and never seen this side of her. “What the hells going on!”, KT shouts. “She’s got bigger olives than I do!“, MakLayLay said.

Bouncer Duck agreed... she does!

In seconds, I went from flat to flatter. I kept my head up though… didn’t want to look down and see my flatness so I said I had a long day and off to the card I went while the chicks made up and partied. I had nightmares of never getting blown up again…that’s just between you and me though. Remember, What happens on the Flat roads… stay on the Flat roads….

The result of too much drama after a great day of riding

MonRoad wanted to take me around OC and she wakes up early too., so we ditched out early. KT doesn’t like to get up early anyway.

Angels Stadium

The Grove

We visited the Wild Val villa.

Planes

Murray

A little romance on the bridge

We went to a concert

Wild Val in her lounge chair. She just loved me!

In new I was in the right joint!

The turtle even checked me out

At the beach with my new buddies from Arizona

Laguna Beach with my chick of the day

Hell Yea!

Nice break

I got a warning to put my helmet on. I tried to get away with it by being a flat...didn't work.

We got home and MonRoad called it a goodbye. After all, she is a biker chick and had roads to ride of her own. So she called Phil Throttle and off they went. Watching them ride off together got me into thinking it was time for me to take the flat road to the next stop too.

Waiving goodbye in the background.

I packed LayLay away in our card and asked KT to send me on… like the gypsy flat biker I am…I am ready to move on and discover the world.

I had a great time with KT and I know she had a great time with me. We both learned lessons this trip. Mine was, every chick wants me in their bra, and KT said she was wrong about LayLay and didn’t mind her after all. She actually respects her. KT realized LayLay accepted my flatness, my flat and wooley free lifestyle, and MonRoad’s road friendship… all through the love of riding the flat biker style. What could be better for a roving biker dude like me! LayLay whispered to me later that KT thought she would be a really good ol’ lady. I don’t know about that… I still want to be a bachelor and still have visions of Wrench Wench in my flat head thanks to the VD gang. I may have to revisit KT if that issue ever comes up….

Until then,
I’m Having a Happy Flat & Wooley Free Road Trailzzzzz Trip!

The Breast Of Friends!

2011-07-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

Off we went to breakfast to meet The Dick & Jane Gang, leaving MakLayLay at poolside with a Bloody MaryLay. KT wanted me to meet them for breakfast before we went out on our ride for the day because they have Flats too!!! Dick & Jane show up at the coolest places here! They even have a car!

Dick & Jane with their VW

Dick & Jane Gang
I'm at the head of the table

After eating we rode with them for awhile and ended up in the canyon at Cooks Corners. We spotted David and his buddy on their baggers. I heard all about David’s bike being in Baggers Magazine. The license plate really made me a proud Flat to meet him.

Me & David G.

Done with the biker ritual socializing, it was time to get back on the road again, and after a few moments of shuffling things around in the rear of her bike, KT pulled out some junk in her trunk and turned around and shouted, “SURPRISE”! There she was standing with an awesome tricked out trike. She told me she rented it from ACME Renta Trike For Flats! All custom, with screaming pipes. Move over David, just kidding bro...

Even though I didn’t mind, riding behind KT Did‘s ass, I really wanted to check one of these out. My legs were feeling a bit stiff, so we did a couple of minor mods with tape, and I also had to wear a brain bucket…

Before & After
Packing It In Behind KT and ACME Renta Trike For Flats (with mods)

Helmet Mug Shot

When we got back to the digs, MakLayLay came out to greet us. She looked just beautiful after a day in the sun. I showed her what I got and she wasn’t too happy. She couldn’t go riding cause she didn’t bring her biker clothes. KT just curled her lip up at her and called her a “whiney hulaylay” under her breath., “like she would ride anyway”, she said. I still don’t think KT likes her much, but she is still okay with her. Can't blame her when she was only expecting me. She gave her a drink and handed her the remote. The OC Housewives were getting botox and she wanted to know all about it. So KT and I went out and relaxed before we ended the day.

I woke up the next morning to KT yelling “KSU time“! Grrrr…..I thought she hated getting up early! Helmet on, we went up the canyon and onto the side of the road to take photos of the riders coming in for a breast cancer awareness ride. My favorite kind of event! I got to enjoy my V-8 and donuts with KT in the morning and listening to her talk of how she wants to meet all her blogger friends. It was nice sitting on our trunks eating our junk waiting for the ride to come by. Just a couple of trikers hanging out roadside...

The ride from AFHD along Santiago Canyon

Lynda W.

Me & Lynda saying hello

Her friend Lynda pulled over when she saw me. She couldn’t wait to meet me and put me in her breastessesss and she gave me those big girls hug! I am trying to be a gentleman biker around these chicks, makes a flat want to cry. Except KT may be on to me a bit, I don't think the others know about my past yet. Don't be a rat on Flat.

All day long at Cooks we partied and had fun. I met Joy and Karlene and their gang, Lauren the body builder, Roy & Carolyn, the bartender, some great tattooed chicks, and of course Lynda. Even met Steve who made my Jack Shit t-shirt. Every time I turned a flat head I met someone. I got to watch a fashion for asses show and watched the wet t-shirt contest too. KT said since I had to stay and watch that… she would have to stay to watch the fireman’s hot bod contest too. Disco & Lauren compared bellies and an old guy got nearly naked on stage… kinda something I would like to forget…sshhhhshhh, don’t tell KT, I think she wanted to see what she had to look forward to… sad to see her face when that all happened . All she could say is “I have to blow that one out on a ride”! Think she said it a few times too…. Here are some more pics of my girlzzz.

I tried to drink a beer but KT took me away from it after awhile...

After a day in the hot sun, I wondered why I wore laminated jeans. Just doesn’t feel good after awhile. I was getting all sticky and decided to tell KT time to go. So after a day of auctions, celebrities, watching T & A, seeing Disco fall off the stage, and giving to the Susan G. Komen Foundation for the best place to lay my Flat head…its time to get outta here.

We get to the trikes... “Hey Girl!”, KT says smiling. “Flat, meet Marilyn MonRoad”, a good friend of mine, she belongs to the BBB Doll Gang” (Biker Bitch Barbies). “I read your blog and wanted to meet you”, she says. I stood there and couldn’t move my legs, or my arms, … I felt like a flat man waiting for a lamination melt down. I was wishing I had VD or Willy D around at this moment for some man junk talk. KT had to shove her boot at me to snap out of it. “Nice to meet such a beautiful doll", I say. KT then tells me we are all going over to the house and MonRoad is riding with me.

Marilyn MonRoad

KT just smiled with that shitty grin she makes, and off to the house we went without a second thought of what might lie ahead…

Flat Is Relaxing in So. California with KT Did!

2011-07-15T16:58:00.000-07:00

Man its been great so far with everyone, and even after the wedding and great times I had with the VD Gang and The Arizonians it was time to move on. With all these fun days past, I couldn't wait for another bitchin time. As much as VD, BB and the gang didn't want to let me go...I was getting flat antsy again.

Main St., Salinas, CA

KT got to meet everyone. It was sad to say goodbye.

When KT picked me up I was resting in my card Lady R gave me, at Rollick’s Specialty Coffee and Internet. The best coffees on the West Coast! We were introduced and boy was she surprised! She didn't know that LayLay was with me. Nope... when she opened the card and found her sleeping in there with me, she said "What The Flat!" and called her a "bitch". She still isn't sure of her, but has accepted her because, well... I just like the chick. KT was heard saying "but where the hell is her riding clothes!?...she's a fricking hula chick"!! I know she is just worried about me being used... I don't mind. I'm a Flat bachelor living wooley free!

Jack Shit has is known for his t-shirts being seen all over the world...I hope I am too!

KT gave me a fresh I Know Jack Shit t shirt and strapped me on the bike and away we rode southbound. The ride to Southern California was a good one from The Bay Area to Orange County. That L.A. traffic really sucked though. I have experienced it now... don't need to anymore. So, I was glad to get to KT's house after that jam. She showed me around, and boy was I sure glad to see a pool! LayLay decided to freshen up and that gave KT and me time get to know each other. She gave me a present of a tye dye t-shirt and said Welcome to Southern California.

"Dunno about this hippie thing...don't want to hurt her feelings though"

We decided to take a swim. I couldn't get my clothes off so we made some adjustments and in the water I went!

KT made an underwater Flat Scuba Tank! Cooool!

After the swim, LayLay came out and we spent some private time in the shade under the palminapot. I think she really likes me, but I have to convince KT of that still. Its doesn't matter to me what KT thinks though...this chick has some hula love for me! Dig it!... She let me touch her hula skirt at KT's house!!!

We decided to lay out a little. KT tried to take my boots off, but it just wouldn't happen. So she decided to join me in poolside boots instead of the indigenous California flip flops

Me, LayLay & KT

KT yelled "Martini Time" and in she went to mix up a couple of drinks. While she went inside I went for the move. Yep.. makeout time!!

Not long after we started making out we were busted. Evidently KT has Bouncer Duck to keep things around her house in control. She's not even sure how old LayLay is!! Either do I... I could be in deep bachelor crap! I'll think about that later... I'm having too much fun now anyway.

Bouncer Duck

Flat & LayLay posing table top style.

So we got our martinis and really had great conversation on riding and where we are going this weekend. LayLay got bored and went to watch the OC Housewives on TV. KT rolled her eyes but didn't say anything... just smirked a little as she left. I'm glad she went inside too, I spent quality time with KT and I like the way she makes a martini.

My garden bench... Kinda sissy but it works. I like my own martini glass better (see it on the right.)

I think I could get used to this...

It was great taking time to relax. As you can see in the pic I am just limbo in my sissy bench. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm excited to get out and do some riding. I will be back to write about it in a day or two...

Flat Rides KT Did Trailzzz...

Goodbye VD, Hello KT!

2011-07-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

Well....it's be a bitchin' time so far, but this leg of my journey is over. I guess I might miss WillyD, B.B., and Carol....but that VD dude? pffftttt....see yah later sucka'!

Flat Wooley can't hang his hat any one place for too long so it's time to move on. Yup...Flat has gotta' mosey on down the road. I was trying to figure out where in the country I wanted to go next when this hot chick shows up at the coffee shop. (Damn....I'm gonna' miss all that free coffee....maybe I shouldn't leave just quite yet.?)

Anyhow...here is my new asphalt angel. K.T. showed up on the scene and said she would take me through the next leg of my awesome U.S. Tour! She promised me an awesome time. (So did V.D., but did you see my ass at any strip clubs?....no.) MakLayLay decided to tag along....errrrr....pfffftttt.

I'll miss the posse. As you can tell V.D. is a little broken up about me leavin' and all...but check out the big ass smile on K.T.'s face! (I think she digs me.) LadyR sent me off with a pretty sweet card about how much she was gonna' miss me. Check this out....V.D. is such a cheap ass penny pincher that he just added his name to that card. Now I think that damned card is gonna follow me everywhere. (Cheap ass MoFo.)

Flat Wooley travels on! I'll update you all soon here. I'm headin' south! Swimmin' pools, Movie stars.....who know what I'm gonna see next. And to think....I have not spent one copper from my own bag this whole time. People sure are hospitable in this country...yes they are.

Another Chapter, Another Party

2011-07-07T16:18:00.000-07:00

Well...I'm almost finished with my adventure with V.D., B.B, Carol, WillyD, AZHD, Harley Nana, Missy BFG, Hagred, Boston and Caveman. It's been killer thus far.

Just before I left the reception...I scored a necklace with a flip-flop just my size....now I only have to go find the other one so I have a complete pair. The next problem will be, "How in the hell do I get my damned boots off!"

We left the reception and headed out across town to hook up with Hagred. It was his B-Day so I figured me and my new gal could crash it and get some free beer out of the whole deal. As you can see here MakLayLay (my new squeeze) and I found the free beer.

Here MakLayLay and I are ripped off our asses. That's Brother Hagred. He walked inside his pad and said he was going to go put on his birthday suit. We were a little nervous at first, but his birthday suit was a pair of coveralls. Love them coveralls! I also found out Hagred was a self ordained minister....I found myself saying, "I do"....what the hell! I'm married now? WTF! The good thing is I have 72 hours to annul...I'll decide then.

Here is Hagred setting up the toast to my new union with MakLayLay. Someone almost accidently lit MacLayLay's grass skirt on fire with a lighter.

After our day of the parties we headed over to AZHD and Harley Nana's house and talked the rest of the night....I think until at least 4 in the AM. It was a good time for sure. What really interested me was AZHD's rant on how evil smaller folks can really be when they want to. I was offended at first but then I realized he was talking about younger folks...not smaller folks.

The temps were almost 115 on that day so we decided that a ride out to the canyon was out, plus we stayed up too late the night before. We just lounged around AZHD's house until it cooled off a bit then rode back to CA a day early. V.D. was pretty annoyed that this was his 11th attempt at making the Grand Canyon. He has never seen it. I hope attempt number twelve let's him actually get a glimpse of that hole in the ground. I was pretty bummed myself, but Harley Nana said she wanted to give it shot in October. That made V.D. grin and it seemed to help calm him down just a bit.

After riding most of the night down I-40 we crashed at a motel around 5am. Slept until 10am and finished the rest of the trip on the backroads. We found some awesome scenery along the way.

I'm almost done with this leg of my journey. I have made a buttload of new friends. Can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter of my travels.

Flat Wooley At The Reception

2011-07-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry...been busy lately. You will probably be able to figure out why after you check out this entry in my travel journal. AZHD and Harley Nana were kind enough to put me up for a couple of days at their pad. Arizona is hot...116 degrees while I was out there...I started to peel. Nuthin' a little bit of tape can't fix I guess.

So here are some of the peeps I met and some picts of the reception for AZHD and Harley Nana.

Well...the boys introduced me to Missy BFG (left) and Boston (right). I don't mean to be sayin' nothin' here but these gals are not my idea of flat....for sure! I guess if a man is going to get pulled away from watching NASCAR, this would be the type of distraction that he would pray for.

I gave it a whirl and these gals are totally cool. Now...how many dudes can say they have done this shit? Only Flat Wooley can score this kinda' action.

Here I am cleavage diving! I think I have perfected the "stage dive". I used to get hurt but this new way of doin' it is just tits! Literally.

I finally met Caveman (BigD). We had a long talk. This dude was really cool...he freaked me out though. He had a knack for dates. He gave me the exact date that Elvis died...along with James Dean. "Bye, Bye Miss American Pie, drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry."...then the dude tells me that song was written for Buddy Holly after his death, Feb 3rd 1959. He invited me to a party afterwards.

Girls, girls, girls....there is enough Flat Wooley for everyone....no worries. Flat Wooley is always rigid.

Here are two of the posse members. Carol (left) and the infamous WillyD (right) Good people for sure...this is the first time I have ever seen WillyD dawn anything but a t-shirt. (I still think he is related to Sam Elliot but he won't cope to it.)

I know I drank way too much of the bubbly....my vision started to get blurry and I decided I needed to cut myself off before I really got outta' hand.

Check this out! Can you see it! That is love man!...That's Harley Nana (left) and AZHD (right). It was nice seeing two people kick ass on all that is wrong in this world. There is love all around and I dig it.

Here Boston and I are cuttin' up the rug. That girl really knows how to get down. I let her lead though because I didn't want to step on her toes so she gave me a kick ass lap dance...errr...at least I think this is how it's done?

Here the Bride and Groom are having a dance with the G-kids. It was a special time for this family and I enjoyed every second of the view.

Here the gang is doin' the Electric Slide...I'm in there also...down there somewhere. B.B. and Boston kept forgetting about me and almost stomped on me more than a few times. Then....I saw her...check out that flat chick at your 9 o'clock!

I saw this flat ass wall flower just hanging out over in the corner. She thought I was really cute and wanted to take me home...but she's just a little too filled out for my taste. (sigh)...need to find the perfect flat mate for this adventure...then she introduced me to her sister...

Wholly cow! I think this is the one! She's friggin' perfect man! We hit it off so well...and she couldn't keep her hands off me. Her sister wound up taking off with Caveman...(I can't imagine the things that are going to happen to her in his shop...but that ain't my problem..she's a big girl.)

....and to top it all off, I was honored to be the witness at Flat AZHD and Flat Harley Nana's union. It was beautiful in Flat Hawaii and the wedding was perfect...just perfect. Hmmm....the whole wedding thing has got me thinkin'?

Quest For Flat Chicks

2011-06-30T18:26:00.000-07:00

We headed out on the motorbikes towards Arizona around 6pm. WillyD took the lead and I and V.D. were next, followed by B.B. and Carol in the chase vehicle. I was really hoping to find myself a flat chick someplace along the way.

V.D thought there might be a nice flat chick in this vending machine. Snow white and a few hot chicks were there, along with some slutty tatoo gals, but Flat Wooley has never paid for a girl, and never will, so I told WillyD and V.D. to take the quarters and shove them up their asses.

Here I am hanging out with my two new road compadres. We had burnt almost 200 miles of asphalt at this point. The weather wasn't bad at all. I was trying to sit my ass down, but for some reason these two dirt heads made me stand the whole time.

Here I am, out in the middle of nowhere on the Blue Star highway in CA. I guess the Mojave Desert isn't nowhere, but it sure in the hell felt like it. I realized that I don't take to well to taking pictures at night where the flash is required. You need to tilt my ass to get a good one...just a tip.

No friggin' respect! We decided to sleep for a few hours at a rest stop in the Mojave Desert and I had to take a piss real fierce like. I was just standing there getting my relief on when I hear the camera snap. Those idiots have no respect for a man during his "private time". I think they were jealous that I don't need to hold my johnson while dousing out the urinal infernos. They don't call me flat wooley for nuthin'. No Bluetooth but I'm still hands free.

Peer pressure? You have no idea. The boys took advantage of my physical condition and told me that if I wanted to hang with this posse that I was gonna' have to do my part. Those bastards made me climb into this damned machine to gank candy...right in front of a C.H.P. sub-station. What the hell!

After I was done snaggin' snacks...I decided to scout around. I found this huge cockroach while I was out. I was going to see if the guys would let me keep it as a pet, but before I could open my mouth, WillyD had stomped on it. WTF?!? Dude, that thing just taught me the meaning of life in five!

B.B. found me a decent flat chick...she didn't say much, but something about her felt very familiar...maybe it was the way she held her arms out like I do. It was going all good, right up until the point where I asked her why she only had one leg. She told me she had no legs and that was the end of that.

The rest of the posse crashed out but I stood watch...literally. I swiped B.B.'s camera and snapped this pict as the sun started to rise in the desert. It was glorious. I'm out on the open road, with some decent folks, riding motorbikes and soaking in a good desert sunrise. This is just tits.

I was getting antsy and wanted to hit the road again around 5am. I tried to wake up V.D., but he said he was gonna' light me on fire if I bothered him one more time...then WillyD mumbled something about duct taping me to his front tire if I didn't shut the hell up. These dudes have no idea of what I'm capable of....never underestimate the power of flat wooley...nope.

Well, I didn't shut up so V.D. made me ride a stint in his saddle bag. This really chapped my hide. Screw that! I got so pissed off that I reached up and twisted one of his saddlebag pins out just to get revenge. I figured that they would never make me ride in that god forsaken hard bag ever again if I annoyed them enough, however, in hind sight, it might have not been such a great idea.

The bag cut loose doing 90 on I-40 and I almost ate it. The only thing that kept me from getting dumped on the hot asphalt was the rear pin. It was the only thing holding the bag on the bike...whew...that was too close. I really don't feel like getting any flatter than I already am...oh hell no.

Well, we made it to Arizona. AZHD met us along the way. He is a really put together dude. He said I could crash at his pad, and he even found me a bike to ride around while I was out there. He also said he wanted to introduce me to some of his drinking buddies.

We downed a few. Here are my new drinking buddies. Wino-Dillo and....damn....I forgot the other guys name. Ok, honestly, I dug Wino-Dillo, but the dude on my right side in this picture just creeped me out. All he did was sit there and stare at me......with that stupid ass look on his face. I'd ask him a question and get nothin' back...just "the stare". (Something is really wrong with that dude...I don't think I saw him blink once while I was there.)

Well...no luck with the flat chicks up to this point. I'll post some AZ pictures here. Hey, check this out. Guess who got to be the flat witness for Flat AZHD and Flat Harley-Nana during their awesome union? Next I'll update you on the wedding reception...it was a good time. I even got to see V.D. and WillyD sporting Hawaiian shirts. Never thought I would see that day.

Arizona Road Trip - Gettin' Ready

2011-06-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

Well...I made it out to Arizona and back. It was a long and strange trip. Over the next few days I'm gonna' tell you my story...mostly in pictures.

Let me get started here. As you all pretty much know, I started this leg of my U.S. Tour from the Central Coast of California. The first thing I needed to do was to hook up with a new bike. Well, the Wrench Wench had one and said I could use it on the trip....but it was gonna' cost me big time.

The Wrench Wench was flaunting her bike right in front of me....what's a poor boy to do. I did the only thing a guy could do in my position...being flat and all. I needed to utilize my other assets.

As you can see...I managed to sweet talk her into letting me use her motorbike. The only way I could get her off, was to make her fall off....which I did without too much effort...then she wanted to marry me....that was the end of that lickity split.

V.D. and I worked on my blog for awhile...V.D. shoved my ass outta' the way because he said I couldn't type worth a shit. Geez...WTF, it's not like I can span my flat ass fingers across the damned keyboard dude...and walking from one end of the keyboard to the other is exhausting.

I enjoyed a cup o' joe while he was doing his thing. I was going to soak in the java hot tub style, but V.D. said it might stain my clothes...what a buzz killer. I'm gonna' slap the crap outta' this dude if he doesn't start showing me some respect!

WillyD needed my help to rig his bike in the bed of his truck. He said he didn't plan on using it, but one never knows. He had a sweet set up I have to admit. The damned bike barely fit with inches to spare. WillyD is the king of functional kluge.

Here is V.D. and I getting ready to hit the road. (Damn...this dude needs to take a shower. I've sniffed hogs that were less offensive.) I'm ready to hit the asphalt no doubt. Can't wait to get on the road again.

Well....that was the start. Wrench Wench and I really didn't hit it off so well. I mean she was cool and all but a little too filled out for a dude like me. V.D. and WillyD, figured they could find me some flat chicks on the road. And so the "Quest For Flat Chicks" began....I'll update you on the next post. Flat Wooley out!

I'm On The West Coast!

2011-06-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

Whew! I finally made it to sunny California! I'm bushed!...you would be too if you had to go through what I had to go through to get here. (Damned x-ray machines are shrink'in my goods man!)

V.D., B.B, WillyD were all there to meet me. I feel a rock star...well, maybe because I am, but I don't like to brag.

Right after I arrived, BobSkoot showed up all the way from Vancouver, Canada! He's a good dude. His wife, Mrs. Skoot couldn't keep her hands off me...can you blame her?

Well, I'm gonna crash for a bit and hang out at the coffee shop for a day...then I'm heading out on a road trip to AZ with the posse. I'm stoked man! I think I'm hooking up with MQ01, Caveman, Boston, Arizona Harley Dude, Harley Nana...hell, who knows who else I'm gonna' meet out there! Hope these folks can find me a damned bike to ride around on....I miss LadyR already...just sayin'. She really showed me a good time and true southern hospitality...besides...these people are kinda f'ed up from what I can tell...they are trying to hook me up with this chick who goes by the Wrench Wench.

RIDING ANTS...HANK WILLIAMS... AND THE GIANT PUSSY

2011-06-14T04:18:00.000-07:00

Well... what a week I've had. Sorry I haven't been back sooner than this, but Lady R has been keeping us all pretty busy around here. I've been helping out as much as I can, and believe me, she don't mind asking! That's okay though, I've enjoyed my stay and I've got plenty of cool memories to take with me. I'm just about to leave Alabama and head for California, but I thought I'd post a few pics and tell you about my vacation so far.

While Lady R was at work during the day, I took advantage of my free time and rode around the grounds a little bit. For a fella my size, I found plenty to keep me entertained and it felt like I was exploring in "the Land of the Lost".

RIDING ANTS
One day, I decided to get my cowboy on and tried to rodeo my way around the yard on this giant ant. They sure are moody critters, but once you get 'em going, they were a lot of fun. He was tame enough to crawl me over to the sun porch where there was a big balloon... just hanging there... waiting for someone like me.

RIDING BALLOONS
So of course I jumped on for a quick little flight around the grounds. Up... up and away!

On Sunday, Lady R and I had a chance to get out and air out our motors. We hated leaving Harley at home, but what can we say... the day was calling us!

RIDING BIKES
Knowing I liked to sing and play the guitar, she thought I would like to see the famous memorial dedicated to country music legend, Hank Williams, who got his start years ago, right here in Montgomery, Alabama.
I know I'm hard to see, but that's me... down by the base.

The sound of Hank's crooning voice, singing about cheatin' hearts and old love sick Indians played around in my head while I took it all in. I especially liked this guitar of roses. Very cool.

Things were going swell, and I was having big time fun hanging around Lady R's place 'til this giant pussy came around and just about scarred the crap right out of my flat self!

GIANT PUSSY!
She kept looking at me and licking her chops, not to mention the nasty tuna breath she was puffing out all over me. Yikes... I thought I was a goner for sure!

I played possum hoping she would leave me alone, but... I think she liked me.

I laid very still for an what seemed like an eternity... finally some crazy squirrel jumped down from a tree, and that pussy was gone in a flash! Shew! That was really close! It would be a sad tale indeed... to be eaten by a giant pussy!

I had a real nice time during my stay, but it's time for me to move on. I've taken up too much time here already and I have many places to go. I'm headed out to California now to see Viking Dave and his pal Willy D, otherwise known as Dr. Wrench. Speaking of wrenches...

Lady R felt compelled to warn me about meeting some biker chick, called the Wrench Wench while I'm there. Seems this crazy gal used to be a Barbie, but now she just hangs out in the garage at Willy D's place and watches the guys work while she smokes cigarettes and thinks about her next tattoo. Sounds kinda interesting if you ask me! I'm a right friendly guy, so I guess I'll just have to go and meet this crazy chick for myself.

Signing off from the capitol of Alabama...
I'm Travlin' Flat

TENNESSEE ROAD TRIP

2011-06-06T05:00:00.000-07:00

Lady R needed to take her mama home, so as the gentleman I always try to be, I agreed to escort the ladies up to Tennessee to meet Lady R's brother where he would take her the rest of the way home to Iowa.

It was a beautiful day Saturday, and even though we were having to cage it, we saw a lot of other lucky fuckers riding on their machines, taking in the great (although very hot!) weather. On our way up, we stopped at the Tennessee Welcome Center so Lady R could take a pic of me and the Blue Star Memorial Highway sign since I'm trying to keep track of all the places I'm traveling to.

We got to Clarksville, TN pretty early in the afternoon and Lady R's brother was already there. Things got better in a hurry cause... little did I know, he was bringing a Hooter Girl with him!

It was all I could do to contain my excitement when this pretty young thing agreed to carry me around with her for the rest of the day! She told Lady R she thought I was cute, so I thought to myself... this boring ass road trip just got better! (She must'a had something for DOB's!)

There I was, just hanging around, nestled nicely in some big hooters, when I noticed a dangerous leopard about to swallow one of them purty things up, so I jumped in to save her from harm!

Uhhh... it really wasn't a dangerous leopard after all, but one of Victoria's life like renditions. None the less, she was so impressed with my valor that uh... well...

I'm not one to kiss and tell... I'm just a real lucky fella! That's all I've got to say about that!

Thank goodness Lady R's brother has a real nice sense of humor and thought it was funny as hell that his girlfriend was having fun with a flat little dude like me. (Didn't I tell ya'll these folks was twisted?)

On our way back to Alabama, Lady R was gracious enough to stop and let me get my obligatory picture of me at the Alabama state line...
... and the Alabama Welcome Center. We're real close to the Huntsville Space Center... I wonder if they're missing anything?
Well... gotta go now. Check in later, I hope to go ridin' soon!!

Travlin' Flat

FLAT WOOLEY'S RIDE

2011-06-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! I'm so glad I came to Alabama for my first stop. Lady R really hooked me up! She made sure I had a sweet ride to use while I was hanging out with her and Harley. A two tone maroon and bone Heritage Softail.

I'm having a really swell time, but the problem here is... it's so fucking hot! The temps reached 100 degrees today. I almost melted! Thank goodness she has a pool to cool off in.

I even had my own personal Flamingo. We'll probably go chunky dunkin' later... after dark. Gotta watch out for sunburn, ya know.

Well, I better sign off for now. We got a big day tomorrow. I hear I get to ride along on a mother/daughter road trip to Tennessee where we'll do the "mom pass off" with her brother so mom can get back home to Iowa. She's been a real big help to Lady R after Harley's accident, but it's time for her to depart. Besides... it's been a real spectacle watching Lady R having to fight off her momma when it comes to Harley's sponge baths. Twisted bunch... but right nice.

Catch up with ya later.

Travlin' Flat

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY

2011-06-02T20:33:00.000-07:00

Hey, everybody! I just wanted to let you all know, that I've arrived safely at Lady Ridesalot's place in her sweet home of Alabama! I was pretty tired and hot after spending a few days stuffed in a bag full of mail, so she didn't waste any time taking pictures of me, but took me right in and gave me a well deserved cold one. Ahhhhh... Now that's southern hospitality!

Stay tuned folks, I think I'm gonna like this place.

Thank God I'm a travelin' man,
Flat Wooley

P.S.... she has a pool!

2011-06-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

WHat's Flat Wooley Done With My J&P Cycles Gift Card

Seems like Ole Flat Wooley got his picture taken with My J&P Cycles gift card, and he's hidden it from me.

Flat Wooley taunting me with this picture left behind.

I wonder if he took it on his trip. Could it be in his vest pockets?

I know he's over visiting Glider Rider at her blog http://ladyridesalot.blogspot.com/ , and she's giving away one of these gift cards in a contest. Flat is such a prankster that I hope it doesn't take that one too.
I'll keep looking for my card as Flat Wooley travels around the country this summer.

(Flat Wooley ain't affiliated with J&P Cycles, he just likes their stuff)

Flat Wooleys Blog

2011-05-27T18:13:00.000-07:00

Flat Wooley To Begin His Journey

Hey all, I'm flat Wooley and I am going on a trip. I get the best views from my vantage point in the breast pocket or Bikini top where I can hang out when riding.
Updates will be on where I've been, who I've been hanging with, riding with, watching in bikinis and just being silly with will be posted here. No idea where I'm going or what I'll wind up doing or who will be doing weird things with me. One thing is sure, they'll all be friends who blog and ride or friends of friends who blog and ride. I hope I can survive to tell the tale. And hey! I wasn't born yesterday. Wait...I was actually so I have lots to see and catch up on.